How to Make Small Talk in an FKK Club

Although it’s not a necessity, I’ve found that, having already made three trips to Germany, knowing how to speak at least some German definitely improves the experience, particularly in clubs such as Babylon, where the women are not allowed to approach customers.

I have exactly one semester of community college German under my belt, so I’m by no means fluent, but I have learned enough to tell people what I want most of the time, and to understand most of what they’re saying in return.

So, here’s a typical scenario: You’ve spotted a girl you like, and you’ve gone over to sit with her. Here’s how your conversation might go, from lounge, to bedroom, and back again. I’ve included the German phrases first, their phonetic approximations in English second, and the English translations third.

YOU:
Wie geht’s?
(Vee gates?)
“How’s it going?”

HER:
Gut. Und Du?
(Goot. Oont Doo?)
“Good. And you?”

YOU:
Auch gut. Bist Du besetzt?
(Owk goot. Bist Doo buh-SETST?)
“Also good. Are you busy?”

HER:
Nein. Ich bin frei.
(Nine. Eek been fry.)
“No. I’m free.”

YOU:
Gut. Wie heißt Du?
(Goot. Vee heist Doo?)
“Good. What’s your name?”

HER:
Ich heiße Heidi. Und Du?
(Eek hi-SUH Heidi. Oont Doo?)
“My name’s Heidi. And you?”

YOU:
Ich heiße _________.
(Eek hi-SUH __________.)
“My name’s ___________.”

HER:
Erfreut mir.
(Air-FROYT meer.)
“I’m pleased (to meet you).”

YOU:
Woher kommst Du, Heidi? Bist Du Deutsche?
(Vo-HAIR kumst Doo, Heidi? Bist Doo Doyt-SCHUH?)
“Where do you come from, Heidi? Are you German?”

HER:
Nein. Ich bin aus Russland.
(Nine. Eek bin ows Roosland.)
“No. I’m from Russia.”

YOU:
Wirklich? Welche Stadt?
(Veerk-LEAK? Vell-KUH Sh-TAT?)
“Really? Which city?”

HER:
Aus Moskau. Und woher kommst Du?
(Ows Moscow. Oont vo-HAIR kumst Du?)
“From Moscow. And where do you come from?”

YOU:
Ich bin Amerikaner. Ich bin von Kalifornien.
(Eek bin American-er. Eek been fon California-n.)
“I’m an American. I’m from California.”

HER:
Was machst Du hier?
(Vass makst Doo hear?)
“What are you doing here?”

YOU:
Ich mache jetzt Urlaub.
(Eek mak-UH yest Oor-LOWP.)
“I’m on vacation now.”

HER:
Wie lange bleibst Du hier?
(Vee lang-UH bliebst Doo hear?)
“How long are you staying here?”

YOU:
Eine Woche.
(Eye-NUH Vo-KUH)
“One week.”

HER:
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
“???”

YOU:
Tut mir leid, ich kann nur ein bißchen Deutsch.
(Toot meer lite, eek con noor ein biss-YEN Doytsch.)
“I’m sorry, I know only a little German.”

HER:
Das macht nichts.
(Das makt neext.)
“That doesn’t matter.”

By this time, hopefully, she’s gotten into your towel and onto Mr. Happy. Now may be a good time to close the deal.

YOU:
Zum Zimmer, vielleicht?
(Zoom Simmer, feel-LIKED?)
“To the room, perhaps?”

HER:
Ja, gern!
(Ya, gern!)
“Yes, gladly!”

Now, you’re both in the room and on the bed, about ready to go to work. This might be a good time to throw her a small compliment, such as:

YOU:
Du hast schöne Augen.
(Doo hawst shern-UH Ow-GUN.)
“You have pretty eyes.”

HER:
Danke!
(Dawn-KUH!)
“Thanks”!

Now, you’re getting to the main event. If you want her to get on top, just say:

Du auf die Oberseite?
(Doo owf dee Oh-burr-SIGH-tuh?)
“You on top?”

Or, if you prefer doggie style, just say:

Von hinten?
(Fon hin-TUN?)
“From behind?”

Or, you could just let things take their course. If she says:

Mmm … schön!
(Mmm … shern!)
“Mmm … that’s nice!”

then keep doing what you’re doing. But, if she says something like:

Ach! Das geht nicht!
(Awk! Das gate neext!)
“Hey! Don’t do that!”

then immediately apologize and stop what you’re doing.

Chances are, though, you’ll both get the job done without incident. When you’ve finished, say:

Das war sehr nett.
(Das var sair net.)
“That was very nice.”

She’ll probably thank you in return, and then lead you back into the lounge. At this point, she may ask you if you want something to drink:

Etwas trinken?
(Et-VAS trin-KUN?)
“Something to drink?”

You’ll give her your drink order, she’ll return with it, and then hopefully sit with you while you drink it. When it’s time for her to get up and go back to work, she may say:

Viel Spaß!
(Feel Sh-PASS!)
“Have fun!”

I hope this helps. Viel Spaß!

Darf ich mit Dir sitzen?
(Doff eek mitt Deer zit-SIN?)
“May I sit with you?”

Sitz dich, Schnuckel!
(Zits deek, Sh-NOOK-el!)
“Have a seat, Sweetie!”

Können Wir mehr Zeit zusammen haben?
(Ker-NEN veer mair tseit su-some-UN ha-BEN?)
“Could we have more time together?”

Kostet das mehr Geld?
(Cost-it das mair Gellt?”
“Does that cost more money?”

Ich mache Pause.
(Eek mak-UH Pow-SUH.)
“I’m taking a break.”

Ich brauche jetzt eine Dusche.
(Eek brow-KUH yes-t eye-NUH Doo-SCHUH.)
“I need a shower now.”

Ich habe Durst.
(Eek hab-UH Door-st.)
“I’m thirsty.”

Ich muß los.
(Eek muss lose.)
“I have to leave now.”

Tschüß!
(Chew-ss!)
“Bye-bye!”

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